10 Rules for Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Ruth’s House -by Aunt Ruth
- Don’t ask ANY questions about the food. “Who made the potato salad? Are there onions in there? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? JUST EAT! Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.
- If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, you may remain seated until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on Texas Trash to hold you over until someone makes you a plate. If you are able bodied, serve your darn self!
- If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little bottoms to the backyard and bring their food to them. They are not going to tear my house up again this year. If they come inside for any reason except that they are bleeding to death, I will tear their bottoms up and you better not ask why!
There is going to be one minute of prayer per person for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! And make it count! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or that your nephew just got out of jail. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.- Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be asked to keep your wasteful self home next year!
- BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware, all the while knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period, or it will be a grave misunderstanding on your part.
- What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!! I take impeccable notes!
- Do not leave your kids unsupervised, so you can enjoy your meal. This is not a DAYCARE! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put out front until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS!
- BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
- Last but not least, we WILL have a Happy Thanksgiving! Keep your bad moods and attitude issues at your house.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 21st, 2007 at 3:07 pm and is filed under Funny, Holiday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.