10 Rules for Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Ruth’s House -by Aunt Ruth

1. Don’t ask ANY questions about the food. “Who made the potato salad? Are there onions in there? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? JUST EAT! Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won’t be able to eat anything.
2. If you can’t walk or are missing any limbs, you may remain seated until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on Texas Trash to hold you over until someone makes you a plate. If you are able bodied, serve your darn self!
3. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little bottoms to the backyard and bring their food to them. They are not going to tear my house up again this year. If they come inside for any reason except that they are bleeding to death, I will tear their bottoms up and you better not ask why!
4. There is going to be one minute of prayer per person for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! And make it count! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or that your nephew just got out of jail. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
5. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don’t, you will be asked to keep your wasteful self home next year!
6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don’t let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware, all the while knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn’t bring anything over, don’t let me catch you making a plate period, or it will be a grave misunderstanding on your part.
7. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn’t belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!! I take impeccable notes!
8. Do not leave your kids unsupervised, so you can enjoy your meal. This is not a DAYCARE! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put out front until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS!
9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
10. Last but not least, we WILL have a Happy Thanksgiving! Keep your bad moods and attitude issues at your house.

Do you have one of those families who put the fun in dysfunction? I can recall many a Thanksgiving where we all found ourselves looking at each other from across the table, and tried not to spew green bean casserole while struggling to control what my mother deemed as inappropriate laughter.

It’s a grand American tradition to greet the harvest season with memories of our favorite tales of culinary woes and crazy guests for your turkey-basting pleasure. Enjoy!

Thanks for the Memories –Marjorie, 35, New York City
“I was the oldest of the grandchildren in my family, and we kids knew my grandmother was not the greatest cook. But we did have fond, fond memories of this one great cookie she made: the black-and-white kind, frosted with half-vanilla and half-chocolate icing. The grown-ups told us, “You’re remembering those wrong. They were absolutely vile.” But we insisted they’d been manna from Heaven. Well, just after I graduated college, I had the bright idea of going into Grandma’s old recipe files and making the cookies. Which I did. Then I carried them in my lap on the plane to Cleveland, where I opened the box to screams of joy. We all dug in. Took a taste. And screamed again — in disgust. The grown-ups were right: the cookies were so sickly sweet that only a 6-year-old could love them. And I had ruined everyone’s sweet memories of them because I just couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie. At least the grown-ups enjoyed themselves — laughing at our shattered memories. Humph.”

Giving Thanks –Laura, 36, New York City
“One November, my brother and I went to Florida to see our father and extended family. On Thanksgiving Day, my grandmother started cooking at 8 a.m. and started knocking back the scotches at 10 a.m. Dinner was at 4 p.m. We gathered at the table, all 19 of us, tons of delicious food ready for our consumption. My dad had us bow our heads and said a very moving prayer about gratitude and family, and brought tears to everyone’s eyes at the ‘amen.’ We sat in loving silence for a moment, each reflecting on the heartfelt words, and my grandmother announced (boozily), ‘You all better eat my god-damned turnips!’”

Brand-New You? –Rachel, 30, Phoenix
“I had just started dating a new guy. It was going well, so I invited him over to the Thanksgiving shindig I was hosting at my place. Since the summer I’d been shedding pounds over the past few months from the combination of being broke and brokenhearted (over a different guy). As a result, I hadn’t been so social and hadn’t seen a lot of friends for a while. The new boy shows up, and then suddenly so does a crush of people. Friends are greeting me immediately, before bothering to introduce themselves to him. Consequently, he hears the following: ‘Oh my God what happened to you? You lost so much weight!’ ‘Gosh, where did the rest of you go?’ and, my personal favorite: ‘Wow, are you on the Zone again?’ (the ‘again’ was the kicker). To every question I answered sweetly ‘meet my date, Michael’ and everyone clammed up. He turned to me after and said, ‘My God, what did you used to look like?’ Nice.”

Recipe for Success –Ann, 36, Miami, Ohio
“Thanksgiving horror stories? I have none. My turkeys always turn out perfectly. I find the key to family holiday success is buying as much wine as you think you need, and then doubling it.”